The lotus flower has a life cycle like no other: each night it drops back into the river water and arises again renewed and sparkling in the morning sun. Its stems are tough, strong, and submerged deep into the dark, rich mud. It is a symbol of feminine resilience and wisdom, regardless of gender.

On January 4, 2021 I went into a 3 week solitary at 8000 feet on the ancestral lands of the Ute and Navajo people in Southern Colorado. My life was upended by a move I didn’t want and family dynamics that were chaotic. I trusted the piercing silence and time out of time would restore me.

While there, I was called to prune the deadwood of relationships that no longer serve. I owed nothing more to certain people and I’d already given too much of myself to keep them going. To be a good gardener means to be a good pruner in order to make room for whatever new life might come through.

With ongoing attempts to commodify our inner terrain via social media and 24/7 information coming at us, it’s easy to toss off the experience of “transformation” as just another experience.

And yet, when we go through a difficult passage in our lives, it is an invitation to “the healing we took birth for” as Stephen Levine would call it. When the ground goes out from under us it’s a call to initiation–which should never be sentimentalized. It means we ask for support and we are curious enough to go deeper. “What’s here? What’s being asked of me right now?”

“Making a cup of green tea, I stopped the war.” ~ Paul Reps

I’ve loved this quote for decades and like all Zen koans, it ages well. How I’d say it now is: when I give full awareness to what is happening in this moment, I stop the war and my mind & body are nowhere else, there’s no conflict.

I grew up in a household with plenty of conflict, most of which was never worked through. Each of us was wounded and exiled in our own way.

Some people are “conflict averse” and with good reason: people get hurt. What I’ve discovered is what can cause more harm is to avoid conflict. If the only thing I know how to do is avoid conflict, I am not creating peace I am perpetuating disconnection from my own vitality and from others.